Mi Vida Loca

I made meatloaf last night! Mmmm. Yeah, so it made me REALLY sick to my stomach. . . it was good! :-)

I spent 1/2 the night on the potty, while my poor daughter sat in front of me while I read to her. Ha ha. Funny sight, no?

I'd given her a bath, dressed her for bed, and now wanted to take a nice hot bath myself - to soothe my bum & shave my legs. Unfortunately, Zoey wouldn't let me. SHE thought SHE was taking another bath & got really excited. But when she saw only Mommy was getting in, and she wasn't. . . she threw a complete fit. She kept trying to climb in with me. . . crying. So much for my bath! Ah, my legs didn't need shaving anyway! So I got out. We're staying the night at my Mom's tonight, since my sister will be in from El Paso, so maybe I'll get a chance to take a bath then. . .

Jeremy left me a really silly message on my call notes yesterday - asking me on a date. *UGH* I called him at work and said, "Yeah, I got your message. Real funny." He was like, "Huh? That wasn't me." Yeah, whatever. He said, "No really; that isn't the Jeremy YOU know." --I guess attempting to hint that he's "changed" or something. Not that it would help him any in his chances with getting back with me.

I've sat and wondered a few times if I actually COULD take him back. And the answer is always NO. Yes, he's a wonderful person. And does O.K. as a Dad. But as a husband. . . no. I just don't love him like I thought I did. It was all a facade. I think back to when we got married - and I have NO idea who *I* was. When I was in high school, I never thought about the type of guy I would marry - or what I would look for or need in a husband. So when Jeremy came along, and we got married, I really didn't care about what I needed or wanted. I had him, and that's all that mattered. But when it all came down it, there were things I did need. Things I truly wanted out of a marriage. And he was not able to give those things to me. True compassion, love, understanding. . . and the capability to take care of me. It just wasn't there - and I didn't know this when we married. It was basically all on a whim. I know I've gone over all this before in my diary - but I guess I just like to confirm to myself that how I'm living right now is *okay* for me. I'm good!

Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I would love more than anything for someone to just HUG me sometimes. But, all in all, I'm OK. I have my daughter, and we're OK! :-)

When I met Shamus a few weeks ago, I did NOT know him at all. I walked into this establishment, and it was very crowded, loud, and full of drunks. And the first thing he did was simply HUG me. We caught each other eye to eye, and he just. . . hugged me! There's totally nothing wrong with that! Guess I looked like I needed one. Everyone could use a good hug. Nope, he wasn't drunk - he hadn't even been drinking. He was simply acting on pure kindness of the human heart, and hugged me. It's amazing what a simple, genuine hug can do for you.

No. Shamus and I aren't dating. So far we've only held a hand full of conversations. He's 10 years older than me, and a really good aquaintance! He's from Boston and has the coolest accent to his talk. Ha. He's like, only a few inches taller than me, but very built. He does Jiu Jitsu. Somewhat similar to boxing, only you can kick your opponent n' stuff. He's very settled. Owns his home & has a very stable job. Big pluses in my book. However, I just want to remain friends for the time being. For my daughter takes presidence over all relationships - new or old.

I even feel guilty at the fact I make new friends now. Like I shouldn't. But the minute you speak of a male friend around other friends, it's like automatically assumed your f*cking. Sad. I think I would feel much better making friends, if I were already divorced. Which, I need to be. Guess that gives me a project to work on over the holidays. I left my divorce law book at my Mom's. Oops. Oh well, I can have her help me fill out all the paper work in it this week so I can submit the forms.

Have I rambled on enough? Probably not.