Ugh, getting it out!

I can’t really say that I made a mistake marrying Jeremy. Because I would be calling Zoey a mistake, and she is far from that. She is what makes me who I am, and for that, I thank God each and everyday that He gave her to me.

I wasn’t thinking when I married Jeremy. Did I think marriage was a game? I don’t know. Did I think marriage was something to be taken so lightly? Probably so. I think it was a lustful Love. “Ha! I got you now,” type thing. So very stupid and immature when I think of it now. I have such a different outlook on things now, than I did when Jeremy and I married 2 short years ago. In the 3 years he and I dated on and off, I really never took the time to focus on whether or not my needs were being met, as well as his. My needs were NEVER met. He was never thoughtful, caring, understanding, loving, affectionate, etc. while we were dating. What made me think he’d be any different when we got married? That’s just it! I didn’t think. At all. I just jumped without looking, hoping for the best. I loved him. Still do. But not the type of love that could carry a marriage.

Not to compare Jeremy to ANYONE I’ve previously dated, but I was always used to being ‘taken care of.’ Not so much constantly pampered or anything, but that type of caring a man has for a woman where he just wants to hug her tight sometimes, you know? Or spontaneously plant a kiss on her cheek. Or actually yearn to take care of her & her needs. It wasn’t like this with Jeremy, EVER, and I just let those wants of mine all slip away to be the person Jeremy wanted me to be. I had to chase him. . . .and continually do things for HIM to “get him.” Never getting anything in return. And when I finally “got him” that wasn’t who I really was. And things changed. Am I confusing anyone yet?

I feel stupid. So stupid. “I can live without a man being affectionate towards me,” I thought. Or buying me things, or thinking of ME for once instead of himself. I can live without a man who doesn’t yearn for bigger & better things for US, who doesn’t care that his wife makes more than he. In actuality, I can’t. I can’t live without those things. As selfish as it may now seem, I have MY interests back in hand. My interests & feelings that I put on a shelf with Jeremy. . . always thinking things will change. He’ll change. No. He won’t!

I may sound really selfish. That’s okay. This is how *I* feel. And it took Jeremy leaving to bring it all back out and make me think of all the things I needed/wanted. . . that I would have never gotten with him. Unhappiness was our doormat. We were grimy, and wiping ourselves all over it. Constantly.

Why didn’t I think of the bigger picture? Marriage is so much more than sharing a bed at night. I just didn’t know. I didn’t know myself, much less him.

I really don’t even want to think about men right now. My Mom asked, “So, what happens when you start dating again?” --Ha. The key word is *IF* I start dating again. Relationships are hard. And I can’t quite say I want to be in another one for a long time. Did me not having a Father through my teenage years fuck me up? I long to be loved, hugged, kissed, cherished, listened to, respected, and yearned for. There is a piece of me missing. A small puzzle piece that I fear I may never find. I’m scared, and lonely. Though, once I think about it, I have been for quite some time now.