Forget me.

I feel so stupid sometimes.

I'm usually upbeat - positive - loving - understanding, etc. But lately, I don't want to be.

Sometimes I just want time to stop - just for a while, so I can revel in my sadness. But see, I don't want to be sad. Guess it's inevitable, though.

I beat myself down SO much for the actions I take in my life & for some of the things I do. Wishing I could take things I've done back. I'd feel so much better. *sigh*

Yeah, so, I slept with Shamus. Obvious, no? I feel so emotionally guilty now, because my feelings for him are now all jumbled. There's no one to turn to but myself. He doesn't invite me to do things on the weekends I don't have Zoey, always seems very flighty, and is having a New Years party tomorrow night and hasn't said a word to ME about it. Do I feel used? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Lonely? Yes. With no one to blame but me. I hate this. I actually await his phone calls sometimes. Did I not think of the reprocussions of having sex with him? All the emotional responsibility that comes along with it? Of course not. Living for the moment. Yep, that's me. And now look at me. A wreck. How can guys NOT care so? Not show emotion or feel a damned thing.

I know my mumbling is somewhat incoherant. I'd cry at my desk right now if there weren't so many people here. Just to get it out, y'know? Just when you think things are good. . .you get dumped upon. Actually, I take that back. I dumped upon myself. :-( phooey. I really need to straighten my ass up. Emotionally.